Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
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wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me