Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
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On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
the only bumper sticker ill allow
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order