imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
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What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?