imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
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[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
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Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.