Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
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Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one