imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
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I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
(Jupiter –
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind