Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
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[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
The booster protects against what, now?
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Thoughts
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.