Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
You Might Also Like
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia