boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
You Might Also Like
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
My Plans 2020
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.