You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
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[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids