Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
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[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
When news reporters do sports stories
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.