Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
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Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?