@CelebrityChez: Imagine creating a lifetime of mystery for someone by breaking into their home and replacing all their family photos with pictures of eggs.
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@stevevsninjas: [first day as a surgeon] Nurse: you can't operate on a patient without gloves! Me: of course. we don't want his hands getting cold.
@SlipCarefully: Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass 'em around at the meeting. nnDidn't get any stars. nGot RT'd to HR.
@primawesome: Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
@SortaBad: ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ?? ME: yeah, totally [producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform] ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN'T