[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
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If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
*Seductively hides in the woods
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.