I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
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me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl