Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
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guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
lmfao
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??