I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
You Might Also Like
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic