triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
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I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
this is the best day of my life
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream