imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
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Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes