Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
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It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
My life coach traded me.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
what the hell pray for carter everyone
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside