Imagine having a party on purpose.
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I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’