Imagine having a party on purpose.
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How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
handsome & gretel
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”