Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
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Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
When you let grandma cat sit
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat