Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
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I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
I wish I could veto my bills.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?