Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
You Might Also Like
i baked you a cake
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
i did the math
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records