Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
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Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
birds and squirrels envy us
he’s doing your taxes
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
when someone compliments me
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”