If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
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[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.