@AlexvanBeek: Imagine how much more useful Superman would've been if he'd helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
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@omgthatspunny: The comedian stopped at the fabric store on his way to a comedy gig. He was looking for new material.
@Rachelnoise: Every time I hold a baby I have to talk my ovaries down like a hostage negotiator. "18 to life, man. I KNOW IT SMELLS GOOD! Stay with me."