Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
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Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Saturday
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
i could never be president. im overqualified.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.