@BillDixonish: Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That's how I feel during football season.
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@FredPollack: Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you're dead ... then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
@TragicAllyHere: Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU M: upstairs K: WHERE? M: upstairs K: UPSTAIRS? M: yes K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE? M: what the? yes K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
@AmnesiaRose: My alarm is set to the sound of a heart monitor's flatline so I startle awake every morning and think, "whew. Close call."
@BuckyIsotope: GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points