Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
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Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.