@BillDixonish: Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That's how I feel during football season.
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@myonlymizztake: These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don't tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
@DaddyJew: Plumber: why are there nachos in your shower drain? Me: why wouldn't there be nachos in my shower drain?
@fuzzlime: I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don't both know this is a goddamn race