Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
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*seductively peels off lederhosen
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?