them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
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[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.