Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
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My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
girls literally only want one thing..
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.