@OhNoSheTwitnt: Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
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@Token_Geezer: Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
@platinum2000: How do you tell someone that they're not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
@joejwest: [creepy mansion] ME: That portrait is watching us MAN: No way ME: [goes right up to portrait] I'm vegan PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes] ME: I knew it
@man_spach: My car ran out of gas in a trailer park and now I have the most expensive home in the neighborhood.