Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
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85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Nice try, poison.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.