Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
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I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.