My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
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There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
You have been warned.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*