If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
You Might Also Like
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
me hitting on a model
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
excuse me
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please