@SonOfCha: Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
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@cbdoubleu: *raises the bar 16 yrs later] Bar: even though you weren't my real father I always wanted to call you, dad. Dad. *me trying not to cry
@abhorrent_wife: I'm at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
@LilBlueBlood: Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn't a teen mom. Because that child would not be OK today.
@PencilWalrus: [Job interview] "What would you say is your greatest strength?" "Sticking my fingers in people's mouths." "Arhghv-um-hirv-ok-hrbsj-hired"