Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
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My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
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Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Spell check is for lasers.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
you will never know the true number of layers
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.