What I say and what I mean are three different things.
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911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are