Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
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The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
When I said I liked it rough.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.