Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
You Might Also Like
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
This is a whole mood;
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet