Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
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someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
necessity is the mother of invention
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.