Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
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Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”