Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
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My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.