@RunOldMan: Imagine my surprise when I found out that don't is not the abbreviation for donut
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@MomOfTeen: Bought some expensive neck cream. Directions say to apply it twice daily. If I slather it on every hour, I'll have the neck of a teen.
@markydoodoo: *sees a meteor* I wonder where that's landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
@MJMcKean: Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer "Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion".
@deardilettante: [ first date ] Me. Do you take drugs? Him. I never touch them. Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?