Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
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Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.