Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
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They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock