When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
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me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
how to market bottled water to dads
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”