[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
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A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I’m about to risk it all
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
just leave it at the foot of the bed
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.