*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
You Might Also Like
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.