imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
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I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
every single time
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Still laughing at this stupid meme
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.